There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
