and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
