I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
