Already got asked if we're dating
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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