addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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