Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
