low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize