I think I won the penis lottery.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
