Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
