thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
