If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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