hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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