Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
