Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I can text with my tongue
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
