Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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