He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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