My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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