I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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