well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
