if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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