I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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