i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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