Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
