Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
