New low: just hacked my moms facebook
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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