Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
