Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
