You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
