you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
