Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
