I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
