I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
