I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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