ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
