He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
