All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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