i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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