before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We left the knife in your bed.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
