I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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