Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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