Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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