miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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