Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
