She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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