I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
