I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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