Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
