If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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