I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
