On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
