So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
