so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
