How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
