I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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