non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
